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I fucking hate myself. Everything about myself. I’m fat, I’m ugly, I’m a dick to people without meaning it. I was arguing with Tom tonight and now I’m ready to cut, not just because of that but because of everything. Arguing with him has made me think and I feel shit, about life, about myself, about everything really. I can’t handle it anymore. I’m trying to convince myself not to do it but I just can’t, I really can’t. I have a long day of exams tomorrow and I’m going to be facing them in pain, and as much as I hate the thought of that, I’m really badly craving the pain. Ugh goodbye.

I’m a fucking mess.

I have the urge to hurt myself for that. I really do. When don’t I though? I always do everything wrong, no matter how hard I try to do things right, they’re wrong.

I’ve just came off the phone to Tom. I’m shaking and I want to cry. I hate phonecalls with people when we haven’t had a proper one before. It scares me. I panic, and stutter. I feel like such a let down, and I feel totally terrible for being so weird with Tom on the phone. He’s going to hate me, I know it. Ugh.

I was doing so well. Two months without cutting, it doesn’t seem a lot, but it really is. It was going so well until last night. I was lay in bed thinking about everything. I was thinking about all the bad things I’ve done and I felt terrible. I felt like I didn’t deserve to live, for what I’ve put people through and how I’ve hurt people, and I took it out on myself. It’s not like I can rewind time and change it, so I jjust took the razor blades to my legs as if it was going to help, but now I’m regretting it. They’re throbbing and I’m in so much pain. I’m going to Brooke’s tonight though and she always makes things better. She makes me laugh, she makes me happy and she understands and that’s the best thing ever because I can talk to her. She’s one of the most amazing people I’ve met. I couldn’t live without her. She’s going through what I am. She’s really just the best person ever. I need to go get ready to go to hers, so I’m going to do my hair, make up and put on my fake smile. Bye.

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